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Homework answers / question archive / How to Give People Advice They’ll Be Delighted to Take By Anna Goldfarb Oct

How to Give People Advice They’ll Be Delighted to Take By Anna Goldfarb Oct

Writing

How to Give People Advice They’ll Be Delighted to Take By Anna Goldfarb Oct. 21, 2019 1. A friend recently approached me in distress saying she wasn’t sure if she should dump her boyfriend or not. With wide, wet eyes, she asked what I thought she should do. I hesitated to answer her because I thought she should get rid of the guy, but I didn’t want to put our relationship at risk in case she stayed with him after I shared my opinion. 2. It’s understandable to want to help when we see people struggling or in pain. It feels good to give direction. In fact, giving advice increases one’s sense of personal power, according to a study published last year in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 3. However, as anyone who has offered guidance knows, giving spectacular advice doesn’t necessarily mean people will take it. Advice is a gift bundled with inherent power dynamics. That “I know your situation best and here’s what you should do” attitude is what can make advice-giving so fraught. 4. Dr. Leigh Tost explains, “To take advice from someone is to agree to be influenced by them.” Sometimes when people don’t take advice, they’re rejecting the idea of being controlled by the advice-giver rather than the advice itself. Page 1 of 6 5. Researchers have identified three factors that determine whether input will be taken to heart. People will go along with advice if it was costly to attain and the task is difficult (such as hiring a lawyer to interpret a contract). Advice is also more likely to be taken if the person offering counsel is more experienced and expresses extreme confidence in the quality of the advice (doctors recommending a treatment, for example). Emotion plays a role, too: Decision makers are more likely to disregard advice if they already feel certain about what they’re going to do (like staying with a dud boyfriend no matter what) or they’re angry (sending an ill-advised text message in the heat of the moment, for instance). 6. So, where does this leave caring friends and concerned co-workers — those people in our lives who aren’t necessarily experts, but want to help? They can chime in, but it’s crucial that they approach the matter with sensitivity and focus on the person who is looking for assistance. Tost explains, “It may seem obvious, but it’s surprising how often people can overlook the need to consider what the decision maker wants and why.” If you’re the one giving the advice, there are things you can do to help you and the person you’re advising feel good about the exchange. Evaluate the Situation 7. Before you begin, make sure you’re actually being asked to give counsel. It’s easy to confuse being the audience to a venting session with being asked to weigh in. Sometimes people just want to feel heard. “It’s almost like people will say to you, ‘I want a strategy,’ and what they really Page 2 of 6 mean is, ‘I want someone to understand,’” says Heather Havrilesky, an advice columnist. 8. Therapist Melody Li suggests asking, “Would you be willing to hear some of my ideas, or is now not a good time?” This gives the person you are talking to the opportunity to ask for what they need. Be prepared for the person to decline your offer to give input. Respect the person’s wishes because if you don’t back off, it will come across as if you have an agenda. 9. In addition, be clear on the advice-seeker’s goals. When people approach Austin Kleon for advice, he strives to identify the exact problem by asking, “What do you want to know specifically that I can help you with?” This way, he won’t overwhelm the person with irrelevant information. 10. Li adds that restating the advice-seeker’s goals in your own words can confirm that you understand each other. This should include what has already been done to address the problem so your suggestions won’t be redundant. 11. Furthermore, consider your qualifications prior to offering your insights. Tost cautions that people often go to those close to them for advice, even if family members and friends aren’t always in the best position to effectively assist. You should ask yourself: “Do I have the expertise, experience or knowledge needed to provide helpful advice in this situation?” If you do, fantastic! Advise away. If you don’t, rather than give potentially unhelpful advice, identify someone who is in a better position to help. Tost Page 3 of 6 emphasizes, “The key is to put your loved one’s needs and interests front and center.” Collaborate on a Solution 12. As you begin, remember to be friendly. Words have power. Words can heal. A recent study found that doctors who only offer assurance can still help alleviate their patients’ symptoms. It’s essential to start the advicegiving conversation with this same reassuring tone. Dee C. Marshall makes sure to praise the advice-seeker before she offers a single suggestion. Complimenting people’s judgment not only makes them feel good about themselves, but it helps keep the conversation balanced. 13. It is also helpful to share your own experience, when possible. People tend to resist when advice is preachy, Marshall says. Telling them, “I’ve been there and here’s what I did,” makes people more receptive. She also tries to recommend books and tools that might provide additional insight: “I’m not telling them what to do, but I’m offering them a real resource beyond me.” 14. During the conversation, look for physical signs of relief. Examine facial cues and body language: eyes and mouth softening, shoulders lowering or letting breath out, for example. Those are good indicators your advice is resonating. Even the word “advice” can sometimes be triggering to hear, Li says. She tends to use language like “suggestions” and “ideas” because that feels more collaborative. Language like that says, “I’m working with you as opposed to working on you.” Page 4 of 6 Offer Support as Needed 15. When the conversation begins to wind down, identify key points and offer the advice-seeker a way to decline your advice gracefully. It’s not realistic for people to act on every piece of advice you give. After discussing a problem and suggesting how to handle it, Marshall asks people what tidbit resonated with them the most. Then she gives them permission to disregard any suggestions she made that weren’t a good fit. Not only does this take pressure off the advice-seeker, but they both can leave the conversation on a positive note by having at least one actionable item to focus on. 16. Finally, take the time to agree on what steps to take next. Ask what kind of continued support is needed (if any) and what efforts should be avoided. Would checking in motivate the person, or would it feel overbearing? “There’s only one way to find out,” Li says. “Ask with an open heart.” Meeting the advice-seeker at this level further establishes the person’s autonomy. And by setting expectations for next steps and approaching the issue as a team, you’re both more likely to come away feeling empowered by the encounter. 17. While there are no guarantees that your advice will be well-received and lead to positive results, keeping these strategies in mind and keeping your focus on the well-being of the person you are trying to help is good advice for all of us. Page 5 of 6 Note: This CRT article is an adaptation of “How to Give People Advice They’ll Be Delighted to Take” by Anna Goldfarb (October 21, 2019 in The New York Times).

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