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Example Good Relationships with Everyone Studies show that being unhappily married can raise your chances of getting sick by more than 35 per cent and shorten your life by an average of five years
Example Good Relationships with Everyone Studies show that being unhappily married can raise your chances of getting sick by more than 35 per cent and shorten your life by an average of five years. The Relationship Cure is a book by John Gottman. He is an American psychological researcher and clinician, and he is also an award-winning speaker and author. The book talks about bids, responses to bids, mistakes and many other concepts important to relationships. This book is important because it helps us to respond in a positive way and tells us about different types of communication. This book can change your life by improving all your relationships. Bidding and responding to bids show us how we make mistakes in our relationships and faults are made making, receiving and busting bids. To begin, some mistakes I make when bidding are being negative, unclear, and not really talking about what I need to talk about. Gottman comments on this issue by stating that some people like me have a problem, “Framing bids in negative ways that are hard for others to hear and accept” (Gottman 36). What this means is that if the bid is negative the other person won’t hear it. As a result, my husband does not react with kindness and a desire to help which shows the bid is a mistake. Also, the writer tells us about unclear bids in the text, “We can reduce such feelings of vulnerability by making bids ambiguous or fuzzy” (32). This quote shows there are many unclear bids in relationships. Unclear communication makes a relationship worse, and a worse relationship is a clear example of one that has mistakes. [Need one more quote sandwich.] Secondly, receiving bids is necessary for a successful communication, and three mistakes receiving bids are responding too fast, ignoring, and not helping. In the text, the writer describes ignoring, “Turning away is what happens when you fail to pay attention to another’s bid for attention (44).” What he is saying is that ignoring someone is to turn away from them. If you turn away from someone, they will not continue the communication and it is a mistake to turn away. [missing 2 and 3 quote sandwich] Third, Gottman’s suggestion to avoid bid busters is a good idea to lower conflict in tense situations. I usually have a tense situation when someone working in a store is not helpful. There was a manager at Albertson’s grocery store that was not helpful. I went there to buy some candy corn because they are only sold around Halloween and stores sell out fast. Last year, they were sold out two weeks before Halloween. I asked the store manager, and she showed me all they had. It was only two small bags of a low quality brand. Normally, I would have been critical of the manager, but I followed Gottman’s idea about complaining instead of being critical. I told the manager I had been waiting all year for these and was disappointed with what the store had to offer. I felt better about the situation and the manager was not upset with me. As Gottman says, “Complain when you must, but don’t criticize.” (72) This quote explains the idea of what I did in the store. I used a bid buster of complaining only, and it made the whole situation less tense. All in all, offers for contact can help your relationship and stop errors with bidding and responding. Unclear communication doesn’t work well. As shown, my husband doesn’t hear my negative bids. Not receiving bid is a problem also. Rushing and ignoring communication will only lead to problems. My personal example shows how bids can improve relationships. My example shows how I was able to get candy corns. If you follow the positive ways the writer suggests, you will have great, awesome and wonderful relationships.
Expert Solution
Forming a Good Relationship
There is a common saying that man is a social animal. This phrase emphasizes that we all need to connect. The need to connect emotionally is vital with family, friends, and spouses. However, not everyone is capable of achieving this goal. Attaining a good relationship demands that one be intentional, make an effort to improve interactions through emotional investment, and have a conscious interest in the other person's welfare.
First, one has to be deliberate in how they undertake the bidding, their expression of the need to connect emotionally. Bidding represents an effort coupled with an interest in forming stable relationships, and it is active rather than passive. The bidding should be unequivocal if one’s desire to connect is to be communicated to the other party and instigate an appropriate response.
Secondly, the cues that one sends during conversations and interactions need to support the bidding. One needs to reflect on their bids for connection to ensure it supports the intended response. According to Gottman and DeClaire, (2001), the topic of conversation rarely matters. Instead, what counts is the willingness to connect, communicated via cues like turning towards or away from one another. Particularly, playfulness in people’s bids has a significant impact. Those who have mastered and incorporated jokes in their conversations employ them as “repair tools” during arguments. Playfulness help soothe feelings of hurt, leading to better problem-solving.
Thirdly, emotional connection is dependent on the ability to avoid negatives that can plague the bidding process. Common bid busters include not being mindful of others’ needs, starting the bidding on a sour note, being judgmental, engaging in conversations when one is emotionally overwhelmed, being irritable, and always finding fault in the actions of others (Gottman & DeClaire, 2001). An awareness of these pitfalls enables one to proceed with care, treat the other party with respect, and avoid antagonizing them. Conflicts in relationships are inevitable. However, actively looking for solutions and sending the signal that one is genuine and looking for the good of the other party helps build trust.
Lastly, self-awareness is critical to connecting emotionally with others. Such consciousness allows an individual to discover their optimal level of emotional stimulation (Gottman & DeClaire, 2001). Our personalities and brain’s demand for connection differ. A self-awareness of these traits helps acknowledge certain emotional similarities and differences with the other party. This knowledge assists in forming expectations during the bidding and ensures our responses are conscious of these variations. This perspective ensures that one does not come out as selfish but as one looking out for the welfare of the other party.
Whether or not one attains a good emotional connection in a relationship is dependent on whether they are intentional in expressing this desire, invest emotionally in relationship forming, and come out as committed to the welfare of the other party. The expression of the need to connect emotionally should be clear. The cues one sends must enhance this expression. One should consciously avoid negatives that can impede the bidding process and be conscious and appreciate the similarities and differences in personalities between self and the other party.
Forming a Good Relationship
Outline
Introduction
- Humans are social by nature
- The need to connect emotionally is vital with family, friends, and spouses
- Thesis: Attaining a good relationship demands that one be intentional, make an effort to improve interactions through emotional investment, and have a conscious interest in the other person's welfare
Body
Paragraph 2
- Be deliberate in how they undertake the bidding
- An effort coupled with an interest in forming stable relationships
- Should be unequivocal if one’s desire to connect is to be communicated
Paragraph 3
- Cues that one sends need to support the bidding
- Willingness to connect, communicated via cues like turning towards or away from one another.
- Playfulness in people’s bids has a significant impact
Paragraph 4
- Emotional connection is dependent on the ability to avoid negatives
- Common bid busters
- Awareness of the pitfalls enables one to proceed with care, treat the other party with respect, and avoid antagonizing them.
Paragraph 5
- Self-awareness is critical to connecting emotionally
- Discover their optimal level of emotional stimulation
- Acknowledge certain emotional similarities and differences
Conclusion
- Restatement of the thesis: Whether or not one attains a good emotional connection in a relationship is dependent on whether they are intentional in expressing this desire, invest emotionally in relationship forming, and come out as committed to the welfare of the other party
- Summary of main arguments
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