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Homework answers / question archive / We touched on using behavioral descriptions in Chapter 4 (perception), and about taking responsibility for our feelings/emotions (chapter 5), let's talk a little about "I language"
We touched on using behavioral descriptions in Chapter 4 (perception), and about taking responsibility for our feelings/emotions (chapter 5), let's talk a little about "I language". This is another step in the same idea- we are responsible for what we think and say and do. So our language should reflect it! We have a tendency to fall into a "you make me feel...." kind of pattern. It might help you to keep in mind that any sentence that starts with "you" is not likely to get the kind of response you want (unless you really are trying to pick a fight). "You" comes across as very attacking even when we don't mean it to be!
Can you tell us about a situation where you started a conversation with "you" and it didn't go well? What would the same idea/sentence have looked like if you were taking more responsibility for the thought- and using "I language"?
I guess I will use a conversation (argument) with my younger sister. She and I made arrangements to have a few family members and friends to come help completely renovate our mother’s house. In any situation unexpected things come up, and you have to adjust or find another way. The project initially should have only taken a weekend, but due to things coming up that we didn’t plan for it took a little longer. I confronted her I said “You should have helped us more, we have been here everyday for a week and you have only been here for a few hours on two different days.” Needless to say, I was angry and not only was I direct when speaking, my voice level was elevated and my tone definitely indicated that I was upset.
In an ideal world, I would have waited until I was a little more level head and said “I know this project is taking longer than expected, but we really do need your help to finish this in a reasonable time.”
